`Download Book ↝ The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (an Adventure for 3-6 Players, Levels 2-5 ⇥ PDF eBook or Kindle ePUB free

Wasn t worth the time to read it It reads like it was written by a horny teenage boyunfortunately the writer is an adult male The author took an interesting premise and botched the execution. I borrowed this book from my game master This is important to note I did not pay money for this This was not, you understand, due to any kind of misapprehension that it might be actually good, but because of my curiosity about a gaming novel that s not a campaign setting tie in and I thought it might be funny I suppose I should have a disclaimer here about how the following post may offend some people, but if you didn t get that from the title already, I m not sure I can help you.I am told t I borrowed this book from my game master This is important to note I did not pay money for this This was not, you understand, due to any kind of misapprehension that it might be actually good, but because of my curiosity about a gaming novel that s not a campaign setting tie in and I thought it might be funny I suppose I should have a disclaimer here about how the following post may offend some people, but if you didn t get that from the title already, I m not sure I can help you.I am told that the novel s genre is called bizarro fiction , which, as far as I can tell, is a Robert Rankin esque ploy to get a section of the bookstore all to themselves Since a reviewer should be aware of the cultural context of a work, I looked it up on Wikipedia The article reads like an ad for Eraserhead Press, but the relevant bit is that bizarro fiction strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought provoking, and, above all, fun to read Well The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenment 2 is the story of a pair of hapless adventurers, the halfling fighter Polo and the elf cleric fighter ranger wizard Delvok, who come to realize they are player characters in a roleplaying game Moreover, their players are morons and their DM acts out his juvenile sexual fantasies mostly having to do with large breasted nymphomaniac elves in the game The way they come to realize this is by being raped with the eponymous dildo.For what it s worth, the author basically apologizes for the stupidity of the book in the preface The book is wholly aware of how stupid it is.Now, stupid and immature don t automatically mean bad, right South Park is funny Oglaf is hilarious A capable writer can work wonders with material like this, and the idea of PCs gaining awareness of living in a game is interesting.Carlton Mellick III, I m afraid, is not that writer It s not funny It s just dicks and tits and rape over and over again, badly written porn interspersed with badly drawn porn The result neither titillates nor amuses.The main problem is the artlessness of the prose Combat scenes read like a dishwasher manual A comic writer s toolbox contains things like similes, euphemisms, zeugmas and hyperbole Mellick s can be barely said to contain vocabulary, let alone a punchline There is no wit Here s an excerpt to illustrate, when they cast detect invisibility She reads the incantation on the scroll and the spell goes into effect Slowly, seven figures come into view as their invisibility becomes detected We point our weapons at them, prepared for battle When the figures become clear, we fall back The figures are seven elderly men All of them are masturbating furiously, staring at Loxi s nude breasts What the fuck Loxi says The men don t realize we can see them They just continue masturbating and licking their lips Have these guys been following us around this whole time Juzii asks Watching us while invisible They saw when we had sex I ask, meaning when I had sex with Loxi and Juzii, not with Itaa.That is how the entire book is written There s an idea of a joke that is then presented in this matter of fact, simple style that evokes a 12 year old s school essay for third year English as a Second Language It could be done on purpose, of course, to reflect that Polo isn t very clever and neither are the gamers governing his world, but then, what s the point What would be the purpose of writing a pastiche of a bad DD fanfic The nostalgia explanation does not fly since even the players do not seem to be having much fun And for what it s worth, I find the depiction of DD at the age of 14 quite foreign, apart from this one girl whose characters were a succession of Sharessan clerics You could go all Brecht and claim deliberate Verfremdungseffekt, except that while the I was very effectively distanced from the work, it serves no purpose There s nothing there.The game being played is a pathetic and distasteful affair, but its depiction, in serving no purpose other than to depict it, fails to distance itself and becomes an equally pathetic and distasteful affair It is a work of banal drivel that seems to think sex and rape and bodily functions are a functional substitute for humour and does not even get inventive in its perversion Seriously, with over three decades of DD at his disposal, some of it rather suspect to begin with, the most creative the author gets is a crossdressing gnoll Had John Wilmot and Marquis de Sade lived to read The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenment 2, they would have died of embarrassment Having unimaginative and mediocre narrators is no excuse for having an unimaginative and mediocre narrative.In summary, The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenment 2 wastes its own potential The jokes fall flat, the prose is dead, and the most bizarre thing about the work is its lack of imagination Its few good ideas are suffocated by the inanity of the whole The writing of this review has entertained me farthan reading the book itself, which is a mistake I recommend nobody else repeat I m generally opposed to there are two types of people in this world hyperbolic binaries, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it and give in to the glory of gross generalizations Which is to say, I suspect that there are two types of people in this world ones who will read the title of CMIII D D inspired novel and think to themselves this is a book I was waiting my whole life for and didn t even know it, and people who will think something else entirely What the latter camp will think I m generally opposed to there are two types of people in this world hyperbolic binaries, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it and give in to the glory of gross generalizations Which is to say, I suspect that there are two types of people in this world ones who will read the title of CMIII DD inspired novel and think to themselves this is a book I was waiting my whole life for and didn t even know it, and people who will think something else entirely What the latter camp will think in particular probably varies a great deal, but I suspect what the shit is this probably crops up a lot I am here to confirm for both hypothetical groups that your gut reaction is correct if the title makes you sagely nod to yourself, then you will probably find it a fun, creepily resonant, meta textual flashback to the days of high adventure, or at least filthy adolescence, whereas if that titles gives you any pause at all, you will in all likelihood hate the living shit out of it Flipping through the first edition module styled book and seeing CMIII occasionally pornographic illustrations will help you figure out which camp you belong in, if you re unsure the polearm chart was a personal favorite Good times Carlton Mellick III, The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenment 2 Eraserhead Press, 2010 There are two types of people in the world those who play Dungeons and Dragons, and those who ridicule us Among the people who play Dungeons and Dragons, there are two subtypes those who take it way, way too seriously, and those who don t So we re already down to a pretty vertical market for this book, but if you are of the latter variety of the former variety, The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenmen Carlton Mellick III, The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenment 2 Eraserhead Press, 2010 There are two types of people in the world those who play Dungeons and Dragons, and those who ridicule us Among the people who play Dungeons and Dragons, there are two subtypes those who take it way, way too seriously, and those who don t So we re already down to a pretty vertical market for this book, but if you are of the latter variety of the former variety, The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenment 2 is a must If for no other reason, so you can feel good that you never had a DM nearly as awful as the one here Though I must admit I spent a lot of this book thinking wow, how come we never thought of this stuff when we were teenagers with a side of oh god, how many campaigns were ACTUALLY LIKE THIS , which usually led to cowering in the corner crying for my mommy Because Carlton Mellick is a very, very warped individual AND a good enough writer to make you wonder if there really were kids depraved enough to be doing this Which is a very good thing indeed.Plot So, yeah, there IS this dildo of enlightenment 2 And it IS owned by a Kobold wizard, Glimworm He hires a party of adventurers to recover it from the bandits who stole it Two of them survive, Polo Pipefingers a third level gnome fighter I m kind of amazed Mellick didn t make him a fourth level dwarf fighter, though I doubt anyone reading this is going to get the joke and his elven vulcan pal Delvok, who s insanely multiclassed, and so is stuck as a first level, well, everything On their way back to Glimworm s tower, the two are ambushed and, ahm, erm, the magic item in question is used on them Don t worry, all this happens before the book begins The magic power conferred by its use is the realization that you re nothing but a fictional character created by an oversexed teenager in the most inept, sexualized, utterly stupid Dungeons and Dragons campaign in recorded history As we begin, Polo has just regained consciousness after the item in question was used on his posterior during an assault, and is coming to terms with what would, you have to admit, be a pretty traumatic piece of knowledge to be gained But Polo and his pal have aimmediate problem Glimworm threatened the party with death were they to actually use the thing, so the two of them, along with their old pal the Dwarf Lord a 4th level dwarf barbarian and a couple of luscious, nasty elf chicks, hit the ruins of Tardis Keep, where there s supposedly an untouched treasure room that will give Polo and Delvok enough scratch to flee the country and Glimworm Needless to say, the elf chicks want all the loot for themselves though they re not above having a bit of salacious fun with their intended victims along the way , the ruin is infested with gnolls, and worst of all if you realize you re a character inside a crappy campaign, the DM hasn t even managed to finish mapping Tardis Keep yetI am somewhat ashamed to say this is my first brush with the doyen of the bizarro movement, and so what I really wasn t expecting at all from this book is that damn, this kid can write His eye for description is fascinating, in that sort of meta way he rides the campaign s DM for his descriptions constantly, while conveniently overlooking the scenes where we pull out into the real world and we find some of the same flaws in Mellick s own descriptions of the actual playersthough I m tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt that that was a conscious choice , his comic timing is impeccable, and he does something that I was beginning to think was impossible he took a DD campaign, and an inept, crappy one at that, and turned it into a compelling story Dear Carlton have you considered writing scripts for Sci Fi Channel Original Movies Because they haven t even come close to figuring out how to do that yet Now, I m a big fan of bizarro, so I don t want this to sound as critical as it s going to, but in a lot of the bizarro I ve read, the story seems to come secondary to the bizarro elements Not here, just as it doesn t in Forrest Armstrong s work, or Vincent Sakowski s best stories the story is the thing, and the bizarro elements are either wedded to it as integral the whole meta concept here or in service to it the oversexed natures of the DM players and how that affects the campaign, much of which is hilarious In short, it s not just a darn good bizarro novel, it s a darn good novel period which puts it on the same shelf with Armstrong and Sakowski as stuff you want to push on your friends when trying to get them reading bizarro Though as I said at the outset, this is a vertical market book Push it on the closet, and not so closet, DD fiends who still have a bookcase full of modules from the eighties I ve never played D D I actually had no idea what either D stood for until about a year ago So I m sure some of the parody was lost on me But I m a huge fan of Carlton Mellick III s other work so I knew I had to check this one out One of the great things about Mellick s writing is that it sucks you in immediately and doesn t let go until it s over The same was true of Kobold Wizard As absurd and raunchy as the title and cover indicate, the story was also funny and engaging, and the adventu I ve never played DD I actually had no idea what either D stood for until about a year ago So I m sure some of the parody was lost on me But I m a huge fan of Carlton Mellick III s other work so I knew I had to check this one out One of the great things about Mellick s writing is that it sucks you in immediately and doesn t let go until it s over The same was true of Kobold Wizard As absurd and raunchy as the title and cover indicate, the story was also funny and engaging, and the adventure so archetypal that I wasn t lost, even amidst all of the elf sex and Halfling violation This is not my favorite book by Carlton Mellick but it certainly delivered on its promises and I m glad I read it This is the third book I ve bought based on a recommendation from boing boing, and the third disappointment The book s conceit actually gimmick would be a better description is that it narrates the quest of a group of characters in a game of Dungeons and Dragons who have become aware that they are characters in a game And what s , they are being played by a group of inane, sex crazed twelve year olds The book is surprisingly profane, but to its credit this is used for comic rather tha This is the third book I ve bought based on a recommendation from boing boing, and the third disappointment The book s conceit actually gimmick would be a better description is that it narrates the quest of a group of characters in a game of Dungeons and Dragons who have become aware that they are characters in a game And what s , they are being played by a group of inane, sex crazed twelve year olds The book is surprisingly profane, but to its credit this is used for comic rather than salacious effect Unfortunately, it s just not that funny It is, however, packed with illustrations of various Tolkien monsters sporting ridiculously outsized genitalia, done in the style of a gifted but bored sixth grader It s sort of funny but it s definitely not the kind of book you want to whip out on a crowded bus.The metafictional structure never really builds to anything original or expecially amusing of the standard endings for these sort of self referential narratives it picks the second most cliched But there are a number of jokes which might make a former DD player chuckle one page illustrating magical sex toys is follwed a few pages later with an illustration of the different types of halberds, and one of the players the DM s bratty younger sister, makes up her own spells which summon pretty unicorns which are her best friend forever.Trust me, if you ve played DD this is sort of amusing For the title alone it s a fun volume to have sitting on a shelf in my case, right next to a copy of Merleau Ponty And to be fair, there is something exuberant in the way it so cozily wallows in its own preposterousness.Overall, though, it s a bit lame I d say it basically reads like a satire of some stupid twelve year olds who play Dungeons Dragons, written by a smart twelve year old who also plays Dungeons Dragons Of course I would love this book This is so meta, and strangely philosophical, even with its boner jokes.This book combines two of my favorite things Existentialism and dorky teen jokes It s amazing, and deeper he he he, deeper than most people might think Which doesn t make it boring at all There s a lot of boobs and dicks and butts and blood to keep things interesting.So, yeah It s awesome. Ok once again bizzaro with some pornographic elements but damn funny.Being a retired D D player i found this one extremely funny especially since the story is told from the opposite end In a way this books is the exact opposite of the GameEarth trilogy.If you ve ever played D D and want to have some several laughs, and don t mind a bit of sex then i recommend this one Ok once again bizzaro with some pornographic elements but damn funny.Being a retired DD player i found this one extremely funny especially since the story is told from the opposite end In a way this books is the exact opposite of the GameEarth trilogy.If you ve ever played DD and want to have some several laughs, and don t mind a bit of sex then i recommend this one Hmm, what to say I liked the liberal use of boners I m not sure there could ever be too many Maybe, if they start poking you randomly in the eye or leaving rings on the coffee table Even free range hard ons need to use coasters The story itself was just ok The drawings really made the story for me and made me laugh harder than 50 dildos of enlightenment Would I recommend this Probably not Me thinks the novelty of bizarro fiction has worn a little thin lately I m taking a break for a Hmm, what to say I liked the liberal use of boners I m not sure there could ever be too many Maybe, if they start poking you randomly in the eye or leaving rings on the coffee table Even free range hard ons need to use coasters The story itself was just ok The drawings really made the story for me and made me laugh harder than 50 dildos of enlightenment Would I recommend this Probably not Me thinks the novelty of bizarro fiction has worn a little thin lately I m taking a break for a bit `Download Book ⇻ The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (an Adventure for 3-6 Players, Levels 2-5 ↳ Are you ready to play some Dungeons and Fucking Dragons The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenmentis an absurd comedy about a group of adventurers elf, halfling, bard, dwarf, assassin, thief going through an existential crisis after having discovered that they are really just pre rolled characters living inside of a classic ADD role playing game While exploring the ruins of Tardis Keep, thesecharacters must deal with their inept Dungeon Master s retarded imagination and resist their horny teenaged players commands to have sex with everything in sight Featuring punk rock elf chicks, death metal orcs, porn addicted beholders, a goblin halfling love affair, a gnoll orgy, and a magical dildo that holds the secrets of the universe The Reality Matrix Effect Levels 2-5 ↳ Are you ready to play some Dungeons and Fucking Dragons The Kobold Wizard s Dildo of Enlightenmentis an absurd comedy about a group of adventurers elf Iris and Ruby halfling Redeeming the Rogue Knight (The Danby Brothers bard Ancient (Thaumatology, dwarf Understand Your Brain, Get More Done assassin Claimed (Many Lives thief going through an existential crisis after having discovered that they are really just pre rolled characters living inside of a classic ADD role playing game While exploring the ruins of Tardis Keep Le livre dor de la science-fiction thesecharacters must deal with their inept Dungeon Master s retarded imagination and resist their horny teenaged players commands to have sex with everything in sight Featuring punk rock elf chicks Centaurs death metal orcs The Golden Wreck porn addicted beholders Brocke (Alien Warlords Conquest, a goblin halfling love affair 10 machines à créer dans Minecraft a gnoll orgy JFK and a magical dildo that holds the secrets of the universe